Those Crazy Sound Nin!
by Dark Nemesis 7
Summary: The Sound Ninja get into all kinds of predicaments! Done in the style of Naruto Primer. Sixth Chapter: Dosu: Hitch Hiking!
1. Introduction

Introduction

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You may believe that most of the introduced Sound Ninja are dead. This is not correct. Sure, Orochimaru may have sacrificed a few, and at least one met certain death by Gaara's hands, but they are not actually dead. It was all an elaborate hoax... Or was it? That, or these chronicles were surely written before that fateful Chuunin exam. Perhaps these characters did elude death. Well, read this story and I'll let you be the judge. I may try to make you lean in one direction or other, but in the end you will have to decide for yourself where your beliefs lie. 


	2. All: Kabuto's Birthday

All: Kabuto's Birthday

Someone as important as Kabuto might expect to have his birthday celebrated.

But, in truth, he doesn't.

"I bet those crazy Sound Nin forgot all about my 20th birthday," he sighed. "In fact, I don't think they ever even asked when it is!" And with a heavy heart, he continued sweeping Orochimaru's floors clean.

However, there was one person who remembered his birthday. Orochimaru, who was alone in his room at the moment, thought, 'Kabuto's birthday is today. I wonder... Maybe we should throw him a party. No, he'd expect that - it'd have to be a SECRET party. Yes, that's it - a SECRET party.' And so he did the only logical thing that he felt could do in this situation; he summoned his minions. Or at least the nine important ones, excluding ones like Sasuke, Tsuguru, Yoroi and Bob. You don't know who Bob is? Shame on you! You shall know soon enough. Anyways! Orochimaru activated the Sound Six's Curse Seals and blew a magical whistle. The Sound Six and the three Sound Genins arrived immediately. "Yes sir Orochimaru sir!" they chanted. "Your job for today is to arrange Kabuto a surprise birthday party. Ukon, Sakon, that means NO TELLING. We'll hold the party in Kabuto's room because he's behind in his work and he won't be going there anytime soon. Tayuya and Jiroubou, you guys make the cake. Kidomaru and Ukon, you guys decorate while Kin and Dosu tidy up his room. Zaku and Sakon will keep Kabuto occupied and Kimimaro buys presents. I will oversee your work. Now, everyone, tell Kimimaro what you want to get Kabuto," Orochimaru ordered. "I want to get him a hairbrush," Kin remarked. "I'll get him a pot, since he likes cooking for us so much," Sakon decided. "And I'll get him the lid to the pot!" Ukon said excitedly, slapping his brother a high five. "He likes to cook? Then I'll get him a cookbook," Jiroubou rationalized. "I hope you're writing this down," Orochimaru warned Kimimaro. "I'll get him a broom, since he likes to clean!" Kidomaru said enthusiastically, getting into the swing of things. "I'll get him some sake, then, because he likes to drink while he cleans!" Zaku shouted. Everybody looked at him. "Kabuto drinks while he cleans?" Orochimaru asked with raised eyebrows. "Yeah!" Zaku nodded. "ALL the time." Everyone was silent. "I'll give him a new lamp," Dosu stated. "I'll get that shithead a new pair of glasses," Tayuya said. "Why? His current glasses look just fine," Jiroubou inquired. "Because tonight I'm breaking his current ones," Tayuya explained. Everyone 'Ah'ed and nodded. "I already have my presents for Kabuto," Orochimaru informed Kimimaro. Kimimaro then bowed and left the room to start shopping. Then everyone else dispersed to do their jobs.

Fifteen minutes later, Tayuya was 'cooking' with Jiroubou watching anxiously over her. "Err...What are you making?" Jiroubou asked her. "Cake," she answered as she dropped some salt in her pot, then threw some eggshells in and tossed out the yolk. "Uh... Ooookay..." Jiroubou answered uncomfortably. "Pass me the Sprite," Tayuya requested.

Meanwhile, Kidomaru and Ukon were busy decorating Kabuto's room. "Look! I found the old Christmas lights!" Ukon said to Kidomaru proudly. These lights were big enough to cover Orochimaru's whole castle. "Good job, man! I made a Jack O' Lantern and found an old plastic replica of cupid making out with the Easter Bunny!" Kidomaru grinned. "And we can use these old My Little Pony plates for the cake!" Ukon responded. The two slapped high fives and got to work setting up their findings.

Behind them, Kin and Dosu were tidying the room up. Kin was dusting and putting things back in place while Dosu pickpocketed interesting items. "He sure is clean," Kin remarked. "Yeah," Dosu replied as he stuffed a pair of sunglasses into the fluffy thing on his back.

"So, Kabuto, can you give me another piggy-back ride?" Zaku pleaded. Kabuto sighed. "How am I supposed to clean your room for you if I have to keep giving you piggy-back rides?" "Read me a story first!" Sakon demanded. "Okay, okay," Kabuto replied, totally used to the routine by now. As you can see, Sakon and Zaku were doing a very good job of keeping Kabuto occupied.

Now, Kimimaro. He was doing very well at his duties. He had already found a hairbrush, a pot with a lid, a broom and a lamp. He had yet to find a cook book, sake, glasses, and the present that he himself was going to give. Just then, he happened across a sale - BUY A COOK BOOK, GET ONE PAIR OF GLASSES FREE! Kimimaro hurried and grabbed a cookbook, then somehow found sake beside it, then paid for the items and got the free glasses. He left the store and entered the one across the street afterwards and selected a medical kit to purchase as his present for Kabuto.

That night, at 9:00, Kabuto trudged exhaustedly into his room with Sakon and Zaku in tow. "No more Go Fish," he said tiredly. Suddenly, Sakon flipped on the lights and yelled 'SURPRISE!' along with everyone else in the room. Kabuto couldn't believe his eyes. There, in the room, was a table heaped high with presents and cake, which was somewhat hard to see through all of the Christmas lights. Behind the table, Orochimaru and his more important minions were standing. "Happy birthday, Kabuto," Orochimaru said. "Open your presents!" Zaku shouted. Kabuto tentatively stepped forwards and opened his first present, which was from Jiroubou. "A cook book... Thanks, Jiroubou," Kabuto said. The next present was from Kidomaru. "Err, thanks for the broom, Kidomaru," Kabuto continued unwrapping presents, thanking people for his new chore tools. The second last present he opemed was Zaku's. "Sake? Oh, thank you!" Kabuto exclaimed, then looked up at Orochimaru. "Uh, I guess you forgot?" he inquired. "Au contraire. Here, your last present," Orochimaru informed as he handed the aforementioned object to Kabuto. He unwrapped it carefully and found a piece of paper enclosing an object, which turned out to be a video camera. "It zooms very close to things," Orochimaru remarked as Kabuto read the paper. "C-rank mission to the Leaf village: To spy on a young girl named H..." he said aloud, then realized what the paper was and beamed. "Thank you so much, Orochimaru-sama!" he thanked as he jumped up and hugged the man. Orochimaru smiled and patted him on the back. "Merry Christmas, Kabuto," he said. 


	3. Kin: Long Hair

Happy lonely birthday to me. Thank you for all the lovely reviews last chapter! If I told you who Kabuto's mission was to spy on, you'd probably go '...Oh' and stop reading at all! He will get his own chapter soon on this subject anyways! But, so you know, the 'H' is referring to the first letter of the last name.

Kin: Long Hair

As you know, Kin has REALLY long hair.

But did you know that she's obsessed with it?

I bet you didn't.

You see, Kin really does love her long hair. She buys the best shampoos andconditioners for it and gets up extra early to wash it. She then uses a dryer to dry every inch of it before practice. She ties a brand new purple ribbon into it as she walks out the door. Yes, Kin loves her hair.

Zaku and Dosu don't understand her obsession with her hair. They think she's CURAAAAAZY. But of course they don't dare tell HER that. They just obediently tag along as she drags them into the Hair Care aisle in every beauty store they come across.

Kin's hair is not just a pretty face. (Well, it's not a face at all, but you know what I mean.) It is also a weapon. Kin can hide kunai in it, and even occasionally twirl around and smack her enemy with her lovely locks.

Knowing this, you can tell that Kin was miffed when she found out that Sakura had nicer hair than her. 'She's trying to upstage me! I'll show her,' Kin thought furiously. And she did pay Sakura back. She put fake blood and guts into Sakura's shampoo, and even left a little around her room as revenge.

Sakura is not the only girl that Kin thinks is trying to upstage her. Kin thinks that Tayuya is trying to beat her as the prettiest girl in the Sound. Kin is very jealous of Tayuya, because Tayuya doesn't care about her hair and it still turns out nice. She also doesn't like that since Tayuya is two years older than herself, she has more appeal to older men.

Tayuya doesn't even know that Kin is angry at her.

One day, Kin went to practice and saw that Dosu, Zaku and Tayuya were talking. "Get away from them! You may be competing with me, but that doesn't mean you get to make my allies betray me!" Kin screeched at Tayuya. "What the fuck are you taking about?" Tayuya asked confusedly. "Get away! AWAY!" Kin yelled. "Ooookaaay, next time, Jiroubou will tell you your mission, I ain't coming back," Tayuya said as she threw her hands into the air and left the forest clearing. 'That's better,' Kin thought. Then she whirled around and smacked Dosu and Zaku with her hair. "How dare you converse with the enemy!" she shouted. "I hope you didn't tell her anything about my hair care products! Can't you see I'm finally winning?"

As usual, Dosu and Zaku were too amused/scared to respond.

R&R! 


	4. Ukon: Married Women

For sand-nin-gurl, the only other person I know of that likes Ukon.

Ukon: Married Women

Ukon has a very unorthodox habit.

He really can't help it. It's just the way he is.

You see, Ukon likes married women.

It's not that he wants to cause problems, because he doesn't. Even Ukon doesn't even really know why he prefers his girls wedded. He thinks it's somewhere along the lines that since he never really wants to have a family outside of his brother, and since matched ladies are virtually off limits, he feels pretty safely out of the marriageable range.

One time, Ukon had a married girl subtly cheat on her husband to the point that she threatened Ukon with divorce between her and her other man.

You can probably tell that it was about this time that Ukon broke up with her. Sure, she stalked him for a week or two, but it was nothing a good kunai to the head couldn't handle.

He never attended her funeral the recent widower had been talking about thinking that his better half had been seeing someone. The one time that Ukon visited her grave, however, he met the lady's husband there. "She was your wife?" he asked. "Of course," the other man replied bitterly, "She was everyone's wife."

Curious? Let us follow Ukon on one such gander, then.

"Hey, what's a pretty vixen like you doing in a bar?" Ukon flirted shamelessly with the middle-aged woman beside him. She turned to him and questioned, "Do you really think I'm pretty? My husband says I need a makeover. Well, since you asked, my two-year-old is tearing up the house in his thirst for knowledge." She was subtly trying to ward Ukon off with talk of her family, but little did this particular lady know that these were the words Ukon was hoping to hear. "You have a child? I was thinking that you had to be at most 20," he said smoothly. The lady smiled faintly. "I have a daughter two years older than my son, and twins just turned thirteen," she replied. Ukon raised his eyebrows. "All these children at 25?" he asked, and the older girl laughed. "No, I'm 43," she said. Ukon laughed with her while switching her drink with a more potent alchohol. 'Get drunk already!' he thought, and as if one cue the woman downed the whole glass and poured herself more. 'Excellent,' he thought.

They talked late into the night, then arranged to meet again the next Saturday.

It only took ten more Saturdays to convince this woman, whom I shall name Amelia, that Ukon was the new person she wanted to spend her life with. Not that Ukon had spent this time with just Amelia. What she didn't know was that Saturday was Ukon's only open day he was meeting other girls on all the other days of the week.

"Ukon, I really like you, and if you feel the same, then I'll get divorced and we can get married," Amelia said on the eleventh weekend. Ukon's eyes widened. Little did she know that these were the words Ukon was hoping not to hear. "I'msorryIdon'tfeelthesameseeyouagainmaybeprobablynotbye," he said and ran off.

Back at home, Ukon slammed the door and slid down to the floor. "You're home early," he heard Sakon call. "Yeah, the chick all but handed me a ring," he sighed. "Too bad," Sakon sympathized. Ukon got up and sat by Sakon, watching him. "Sakon, how can I make the girls like me but not give up their husbands for me?" he asked. "I dunno," Sakon stated as he removed the makeup that hid the rings around his eyes. After all, who wears makeup to bed? "Do I /look/ like I have girls all over me?" he continued as he stripped of his robe, which gave Ukon an idea. "Sakon, I'm not done my adventures for the night yet," he announced as he headed downstairs, back out the door and down the road to the convent. 


	5. Sakon: Coffee Break

Sakon: Coffee Break

Sakon usually gets to bed at a reasonable time.

One night, though, he didn't.

Little did he know, this night would change his life.

The next morning, Sakon woke up at 7:30, like he usually does. However, he hadn't gotten to sleep until well after 3:00 AM, and since Ukon had deliberately moved Sakon's alarm clock across the room because he was tired of hearing it hit the wall every morning, Sakon had no choice but to wake up. He sat up in bed and groaned. "Ohh, I don't wanna wake up. Just 10 more minutes," he pleaded, but since there was no one there to grant him permission to sleep for 10 more minutes, he had to get out of his bed and turn off the alarm clock. Then he resigned himself to the world of the living and dragged himself off to his bathroom.

Yes, Sakon and Ukon have their own bathrooms. They couldn't agree on filling the extra space with either a tub big enough to fit a man and a woman in it (Ukon's idea) or getting extra shelves (Sakon's idea), so they just designed their own bathrooms. But, back to the story.

Sakon looked at his reflection in the mirror and moaned. His hair was frizzy, he had dark spots under his eyes and his skin was pale. Sighing, he ran his brush through his hair, then expertly applied his makeup to hide any signs of bleariness. With that done, he put his bathrobe over his nude body and trudged off to the kitchen.

In the kitchen, Sakon created some Fruit Loops and sat at the table, drinking them slowly. Yes, drinking them. That's how tired he was. Anyways, he looked lazily around only to spy an unused piece of equipment lying on the counter. 'What is it?' he wondered, and so he went over to it and read the tag on it. It read, "Coffee Maker." Intriuged, Sakon followed the instructions on the machine to make himself a batch, then poured himself a cup of the 'coffee.' He was surprised to find that he suddenly felt more awake and aware. He smiled. Sakon liked this coffee stuff. It made last night's party seem like it had been from 10:00 PM to 11:00 PM, instead of from 11:00 PM to 3:00 AM.

So the next day, he drank two cups.

The day after that, he took four cups.

The day following the last he drank eight cups.

After that, sixteen.

Then thirty-two. (After the first twenty, he had to take a small bathroom break.)

Sakon had downed sixty-three cups before Ukon noticed. "Hey Sakon, what's with the coffee?" he asked. "Nothing's happening. I just like coffee. That's it, that's all," Sakon said as he slammed his sixty-fourth and last cup of coffee for the day onto the table, but with so much coffee-induced gusto that the cup shattered. "Crud," he said as he scooped the glass carelessly into his hand and put it in the garbage. Ukon raised his eyebrows, but said nothing.

Later that day, Orochimaru said that since he had to oversee Kabuto installing a new phone, training today was going to have a fifteen-minute pause that the working class liked to call the 'Coffee Break.' Upon hearing this, Sakon cheered and hopped up and down in a little circle, singing, "Yay! Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee!" before pulling out a Thermos full of the stuff and downing it in one gulp. The reaction to this was everyone staring at him with the exception of Ukon who just put his head in his hands and sighed. When Sakon noticed the others, he simply put the empty Thermos back into his bag and said flatly, "Don't judge me." 


	6. Zaku: Pop Girls

Zaku: Pop Girls

Zaku is, as you know, a Sound Nin.

It's only natural for him to like music.

But Zaku has a secret obsession with it that not many other Sound nin have.

Zaku likes music sung by pop girls. He's not afraid of Britney Spears, Christina Aguleira. Maybe Backstreet Boys and N'Sync, but he doesn't know WHAT to think! He keeps his obsession hidden most of the time. But still, while the other nin listen to Three Days Grace and Yellowcard, Zaku listens to Jessica Simpson and Liz Phair.

Maybe this is why Kimimaro is secretly associated with him. You see, one day, Zaku was in a music store, looking at a Beyonce CD that he wanted, when Kimimaro sidled up to him. "Would you please move aside for a minute? I, er, need a Britney Spears Cd. For a mission," he added quickly. A grin quickly spread across his face. "The great Kimimaro likes Britney Spears, eh?" he fairly shouted. "Shut up! Don't think I didn't see you looking at the Beyonce section!" Kimimaro hissed. "If you tell ANYONE you caught me looking here, I'll KILL you!" they said together. They glared at each other for a minute before Kimimaro broke the silence. "If you get me the new Britney Spears CDs whenever they come out, I'll pay you the cost plus 5.00," he said. "Deal?" They shook on it.

Zaku never told Kimimaro that he copied the CDs onto burnable disks before giving them to him.

Do you think Kimimaro would have taken it well if he found that he didn't really have to pay for his CDs because Zaku used them too?

No.

Probably not.

But Zaku still had to copy that CD! He loved Britney Spears too much not to do so! He had ALL of her memorabilia! Dolls, posters, and purses, you name it, he had it! Of course, he didn't tell Kimimaro that he had stolen said ninja's Britney gear, either.

Zaku did not just fangirl after Britney Spears, either. He ALSO had Jessica Simpson and Christina Aguliera stuff. But guess what? Nobody knows. He hides it all. 


	7. Dosu: Hitch Hiking

Thanks all you guys for reading! I feel so loved 

Dosu: Hitch Hiking

Dosu has a little problem.

He has to get to Ed's Emporium before it clsoes in an hour.

But he can't get there without help.

'How can I get to Ed's Emporium before it closes?' Dosu pondered. After about a minurte, a lightbulb went off above his head. "I know! I'll hitch hike!" he shouted. Then he walked over to the road, stuck his thumb out in the direction he was going, and waited.

One thing you should know about the Sound village is that they don't have many cars.

But Dosu valiantly waited beside the road, hoping that someone would take him to Ed's Emporium.

Finally, somebody slowed down when they saw him, but it was not to last. "Freak!" they shouted as they threw a milkshake at his head and drove off. Dosu caught the milkshake. Hm, strawberry. Ah well. He might as well do something while he waited. With that, he took a sip from the milkshake.

After fifteen more minutes had passed, Dosu got fed up with waiting. 'His' milkshake was almost done, for crying out loud! When the next person who drove by, slowed down, then got a look at him and sped up drove by, Dosu hurled 'his' milkshake at their car. It hit, and the car stopped. A man who was six feet tall and covered in tatooed muscles stepped out. Dosu got one look and fled into the bushes nearby. The man looked around, shrugged and washed off his car before driving off.

Dosu waited by the road for ten more minutes, then decided that since he only had nineteen minutes left to get there by, he had to do something drastic. When the next car rolled by, he ran out into the middle of the road and jumped onto the car, yelling, "Take me to Ed's Emporium!" "Get off of my car!" the occupant shouted back as they sped up. "Muuuh!" Dosu squeaked surprisedly before jumping off of the car and landing where he had been sitting for the last forty-one minutes.

But Dosu did not give up. He produced a sign board from the big fluffy thing on his back and wrote on it 'Take me to Ed's Emporium!' This took five minutes. Dosu held up the sign and ran out into the middle of the road. Cars swerved to pass him, but none stopped. Eventually, Dosu got fed up and hit the next car with his huge sign. It ran right off the road. Then Dosu noticed that the single occupant of the car was the man with the tattoos from before. He ran back into the same bushes as before and waited until the man was gone.

When Dosu left the bushes, he only had two minutes left to get to Ed's Emporium. He spent one minute thinking of how to get there, and when he noticed that there was merely one minute left, he yelled, "Screw it, I'll get there myself."

And with that, Dosu ran across the road and opened the door to Ed's Emporium.


End file.
